The Daily Fail reports that the cease is nigh.

'Philae to create fillet of population'

Following the regain of life on the surface of Comet 67P, the Philae lander has at nowadays begun communicating dorsum to basis inward a novel language, of which the alone known translation has been of ane word, 'Megatron'.

Widespread panic has at nowadays ensued although world leaders are playing downwards the imminent attack, stating that this is the combined operate of Russian, Chinese in addition to IS hackers seeking to divert attending away from their intentions of world domination.

When the U.S. President was asked why the trajectory of the comet had changed to a path of collision amongst the Falkland Islands, he responded past times proverb that Bruce Willis had been placed on standby but also stated that he WILL move along to pay taxes in addition to that this was a clear demonstration that the U.S. was committed to closing taxation avoidance loopholes.

Optimus Prime was unavailable for comment equally he is currently vacationing inward the Kuiper belt in addition to whatever communication volition have got likewise long to accomplish him inward fourth dimension anyway.

Argentina have got distanced themselves from whatever involvement, issuing a contestation to say that whilst they consider the Malvinas equally theirs, all blame for speculation must live placed inward the hands of Jeremy Clarkson in addition to whatever statement of state of war past times the Great Britain volition resultant inward the withdrawal of Top Gear from viewing schedules.

Heston Blumenthal, Jamie Oliver, McDonalds in addition to Rick Stein have got rushed to take away all elements of 'fillet' from their menus but deny whatever connective to the tidings report.

Any impending collision volition at to the lowest degree take away the ninety feet of snowfall currently occupying Florida, relieving the fears of Mickey mouse, who had been spotted past times paparazzi entering the Betty Ford hospital next repeated bouts of drinking in addition to an alleged laid on on estranged married adult woman Minnie.

Feminist activists have got been quick to condemn such, equally yet unsubstantiated rumours, stating that "The cease of Earth is no excuse for acts of domestic violence" in addition to have got called for the misogynistic statue of Walt Disney to live removed amongst immediate number equally it is an offence to equality.

Santa Clause refutes allegations that panic is due to Rudolph existence infected amongst the Bird Flu strain H5N8, hence negating the mightiness for him to deliver all Christmas presents this year. He issued a contestation to say that this was but a conspiracy theory in addition to is adamant that scientific query has non yet established that the virus tin live transmitted from birds to reindeer.

Turkey, Goose in addition to Duck have got non been declassified equally a danger to Earth because at that spot volition non live plenty fourth dimension for whatever virus to have got whatever lasting number due to the imminent cease of the world. in addition to sales are booming, although at that spot has been a 50% growth inward cost from Tesco inward monastic enjoin to relaxation the books correctly this year.

In monastic enjoin to safeguard the hereafter of humanity, a global taskforce has been setup to create 2 of the largest interplanetary vehicles e'er constructed past times mankind. Initial costs are estimated to live $120 ane grand one thousand but according to a study from the OECD, this volition probable escalate to or in addition to so $100 trillion.

In low-cal of such expenditure, plans for HS2 have got been delayed.

Each interplanetary vehicle volition also contain terraforming applied scientific discipline to enable to colonisation of Mars in addition to Venus.

Men volition live sent to Mars in addition to women to Venus, which is expected to have got an additional create goodness of reducing the human population explosion.

Licensing for tickets for the flights has been issued to Ticketmaster, where charges volition attain from $10,000,000 for a spot nigh to the cockpit, reducing to precisely $1,000,000 for the inexpensive seats at the back.

Ticket touting has been outlawed amongst immediate number but rules on early on loose of pension funds rest unchanged.

The Prime Minister stated that whilst the older generations are of import to society, it is the immature that have got to shape the hereafter in addition to hence must live given priority.

Additionally, because the infinite required for wheelchair access in addition to provision is non cost effective, alone the able bodied would live able to purchase tickets.

When asked if this meant that he himself would hence live excluded from purchasing a spot on the flight, he stated that world leaders have got to live included inward monastic enjoin that their skills live continued to live utilised to flora line of piece of job organisation on the novel worlds, where growth has to live considered to live the number ane priority of Government.

He did number his heartfelt condolences to the other political party leaders in addition to wished them good amongst their hereafter endeavours.

All prospective flying candidates volition live fitted amongst Borg manner implants that volition monitor all activity, including active analysis of bowel movements to regain the presence of bugs that may require revocation of boarding passes.

With the fuel payload required to mightiness the vehicles, all rules in addition to regulations of fracking have got been suspended in addition to 10,000 sites have got been earmarked for immediate structure in addition to extraction of gas.

5,000 of these sites have got been allocated to Scotland in addition to the remaining to the North in addition to Midlands.

The leader of the opposition has been quick to condemn what he describes equally "an onrush on the wretched of the North equally good equally a clear indication of Government's disgraceful mental attitude to Scotland" but the PM laughed off such criticism, reminding the labour leader that because London in addition to the South East have got consistently demonstrated the bulk creation of wealth during the fourth dimension of the electrical current Government, that these regions should non live punished for their economical endeavours that have got saved the relaxation of the province from abject poverty.

The Lord Mayor of London was quick to come upwards to the help of the PM, adding that he volition live putting his cite frontward for the elections of New London on Mars.

Homeowners concerned almost the effects of fracking have got been advised to contact their insurance companies to renegotiate insurance policies.

Wonga denote their novel domicile insurance TV ad, featuring Alien Meerkats.

The deputy PM issued a contestation that the NHS volition rest inward world ownership, adding that "at this time, these of import in addition to vital services volition move along to furnish the fantabulous back upwards for the full general public".

The UKIP leader acted angrily at the finding of his ain internal study (spilling his pint inward the process) that revealed the fact that non all white, British people volition live saved, accusing the Government of giving preference to non-nationals who have got contributed picayune to society.

Whitehall has acted swiftly to dismiss such accusations, stating that this was but a illustration of economical reality in addition to the deficit caused past times the lastly Government was the campaign of inability for all to live saved.

All drugs have got been declassified equally criminal in addition to Earth are at nowadays costless to smoke, force in addition to inject all that they desire.

It is hoped that this volition generate such volume daze that volition resultant inward relief of the already strained resources of the NHS, equally good equally allowing a happier ending.

The Home Secretary has advised Earth non to panic purchase stocks of nutrient in addition to that whatever looting in addition to rioting volition non live tolerated.

The domicile guard have got been placed on total alarm in addition to issued amongst updated Tasers, although reports of these devices having the nickname of the AK47 have got been strenuously denied past times the MOD. The novel motto for the domicile guard is "we're doomed!".

Greenpeace proudly proclaim that their claims of global warming were right all along. Nobody was yet countered such claims.

In other news:

Freddie Starr finally admits that he did swallow the Hamster but the Director of Public Prosecutions has stated that at that spot volition live no farther activity against the hamster equally it is non inward Earth involvement to create so.

Mars incorporated have got filed a patent claim for the novel home, stating that they have got all rights to hereafter chocolate bar allocation.

David Bowie also plans to opened upwards up a novel arachnid centre.

Porsche denote plans to cancel the loose of their novel signature James Dean 911 edition.

Reports are expected presently to confirm who actually shot JFK.

Alan Sugar announces a new, expanded formation of the Apprentice. Firing volition at nowadays hateful ejection from ane of the infinite vehicles.

David Icke issues a announcement that he could have got saved Earth had people listened to him.

Manchester United have got been proclaimed Premier League Champions. Concerns have got even in addition to so been expressed at the appointment of novel FA Chief Executive, Sir Alex Ferguson.

Latest tidings on the attempted injunction filed past times the Freddie Laker estate has failed next the successful sole bid of Virgin airlines to create the interplanetary vehicles. The Government denies whatever conflict of involvement in addition to reiterates that the bidding procedure was fair but volition send out an internal investigation, amongst a study due inward 2112, where at that spot volition live an expected rush to read it.

Jordan cancels plans for her adjacent marriage, opting for a novel boob project instead.

The Daily Star issues opor-garai vouchers for alone £9.99, to selective exotic resorts such equally Death Valley, Antarctica, Transitional Islamic State of Afghanistan in addition to a 2 for ane offering on a Somalia cruise ship.

Shares inward all paid dating sites autumn to tape lows. Despite this, investors rush inward for a prospective burn downwards sale inward the promise that their expectations volition live matched.

Angelina Jolie expresses wishes to adopt an orphan Martian.

The BBC cancels plans to repeat Life on world but soundless insists that this has no bearing on the value for coin of the licence fee.

Steven Spielberg announces the follow upwards to E.T.

The USA plans to flora the outset flag on Venus in addition to Mars in addition to warns Russian Federation against intervention.

The Russian leader responds past times threatening to invade Mercury in addition to prepare a strategic missile base.

Cuban cigars sales ascent inward anticipation of a novel standoff.



JUST IN, BREAKING NEWS:


A communique has been received from Mars.

President Little Green Man issues warnings of strict immigration control, where alone those of light-green complexion in addition to six legs volition live allowed in.

Women rejoice in addition to Ann Summers right away denote their novel line, called the 'Rocket inward your pocket'. Sales are expected to become through the stratosphere.



And finally ......


The Dominicus paper atomic number 82 headline for tomorrow 'Will the lastly someone to move out basis delight plow out the lights'

So inward lawsuit of alone having eighteen days earlier impact, what would you lot do?

Do you lot promise to Wanna Miss Influenza A virus subtype H5N1 Thing?